Hey, Papa
by Suuz112
Summary: I'm scared to lose you, papa, but the thought of you being in my head forever, is worse.


**I didn't even think of putting this in chapters.**

**Why should I?**

**This was a story that pulled me in, and I couldn't stop before I finished.**

**It shows Jason the way I see him, innocent yet so powerful and genius.**

**If you don't feel the same way, that's fine with me.**

**But can you just read it?**

**You don't even have to review or favorite, or ANYTHING.**

**Just read.**

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Hey, papa.

Nate told me that maybe it'd be better, if I wrote you this letter. And even though I'm not sure if this is a good idea, Nate asked me to. Nate is my friend, so I listen to him. And here I am.

Papa, it's been a long time since I've talked to you, since I've seen you. It's even been a long time since I heard someone say your name. I think I finally understand why, but at the same time, I don't. I'm still not smart, I've tried to be, but I won't get any less stupid…. You've told me I could never get smart, and yet I tried, I shouldn't have, I guess I forgot you are always right, papa.

Nate and Caitlyn kept telling me you have been a bad papa, and I kept replying you were not, but they didn't stop. People can change my mind very quickly, except when it's about you, papa. Even mama stopped trying, but I'll tell you about that later. Caitlyn and Nate are two of my best friends, by the way. They are always there for me, kind of like you. Caitlyn said you made a lot of bad choices, and I replied everyone does that. "He made too much, Jason." She said back, and I got confused again. Because, papa, how do you make too much?

"My papa isn't like that." I only said, and she got angry at me. She started yelling, making me shrink back, because yelling equals getting hurt, doesn't it, papa? "No, your father is a saint, isn't he, Jason?! Your father is fucking amazing, he's a great father!"

She walked out on me, and the next time I saw her, she was crying. Nate was hugging her, and they both looked really sad. I apologized to her, and that made her cry harder. "Stop apologizing." She said, and I didn't get it anymore. I'm stupid, papa. I really am.

Caitlyn doesn't like her papa, he is always working. He forgets about her, and she's really sad about it. Even though she never shows that. Caitlyn likes to cover things up, just like Nate does. But they both have different reasons. When I feel sad, it's mostly about them.

Papa, I know you will be disappointed in me, but I'm in a band now. Maybe you've seen us on the news, or maybe you have heard us on the radio. We're called Connect 3 and we're famous. Not city-famous, world famous. We're doing really well, can you believe it?

Everybody loves Shane and Nate, all the girls are screaming when they see us. Sometimes it scares me, once they ripped my jacket to shreds! Mitchie had to calm me down in the limo (Yes, papa, we have a limo. Isn't it amazing?!) all the way back to the studio, because I was so scared. Usually Caitlyn does that, but she wasn't there that day. She was busy with things.

Shane and Nate have seen my marks, papa, I know I should have watched out more, but I couldn't help it. We had to change clothes really quick, and I forget about them. I'm sorry, but the weird thing was; I didn't even mind all that much. Shane didn't really react on them, you see, papa, he was having a hard time. Maybe you've heard about him on the news. Shane Gray, that's his name. He was very angry those days, and very rude. It all got to his head in the end, the fame, the media, the money. It was to expect, we were waiting for it. We were waiting for him to crack, isn't that weird? Nate took it harder than I did, though, because Shane was his best friend. He felt very betrayed and sad. Shane is my friend, too, papa, but I like Nate more.

Nate asked me what they were, when he saw them. I just shrugged and put on my shirt. "Were those scars, Jason?" He sounded very calm, which was weird, because his face looked very freaked and scared. "Marks, yes." I nodded at him, before running my hand through my hair and turning off my phone. Shane was just sipping from his water and flattened his hair. I think he wasn't paying attention. "How did you get them?" I replied that you gave them to me, and that made Shane pay attention. His head snapped up like lightning, the minute the words slipped from my mouth. "What?" He mumbled, and I nodded. "What do you mean, he gave them to you?" Nate asked me, kindly, much more calm than Shane was at that point. I told them they were marks every papa gave their child, it wasn't any different than theirs. "What?" Shane asked again, but it was more of a hiss. I wanted to cry, because it seemed like I made Shane angry. I didn't want to make him angry, papa, I was just being honest. Nate saw that I was panicked, and that was the first time Shane apologized in a long time. "I'm not mad."

He said, and I frowned. "Yes, you are!" He shook his head at me, like he was trying to shake off flies. "He's not mad at you, Jason." Nate then said. "He's mad at your father."

That's when I got angry, you see, I can't handle it when people talk bad about you, papa.

"Mad at my papa? He shouldn't be! You shouldn't be, Shane! Papa is a good man!" I defended you and Shane hissed, more at himself than at me. "Your father gave you MARKS!" He made it sound like something weird. "Didn't your father give you marks?" I asked him, and he shook his head. Nate said 'no', too. I didn't get it, my head started hurting.

"He brainwashed you." Shane accused, and I started protesting, ending in silence, because I didn't know anymore. "It's okay, Jason. We'll talk again. Later." Nate said, when he stood up and took Shane with him. But right before he did, I saw something in his eyes. It scared me, papa, because I recognized that look. I just hadn't seen it in a long time, and couldn't place it before. It was the look mama had in her eyes, right before she stepped into the blue car with the weird man. It was a look filled with remorse, grief, sadness. It scared me, papa, it really did.

The following nights, I didn't sleep. I filled every hour with thinking. I know, papa, I shouldn't have. Because thinking does no good. Not to me. I have repeated your words every day, since I've last seen and talked to you. I wake up and fall asleep with them. They are apart of me now, just like you wanted. I hope I made you proud, but I don't think I did, because I've been a bad boy.

Two weeks later, I think, I don't have enough place for time in my head, I sat down next to Nate. It was very late, and we had just finished a show in Milwaukee. Shane was already asleep, and Nate was on the phone. He was talking to someone about the camp we met. The camp you sent me to, remember, papa? I was eleven when I first went there, Camp Rock, remember, papa? It's a music camp, and I met all my friends there. I'm very happy you sent me there, every year. And even though mama paid for it, I'm thanking you.

Mama left us, and that still kind of hurts. So that's why.

Nate thought it was a good idea to sent Shane there, because he thinks Camp Rock heals everyone, Camp Rock makes everything better. He's right, and maybe that's reason mama made you leave me there. "Why don't you have marks?" I asked him, the minute he closed his phone and breathed in. I saw Nate smile on the inside, I think he was glad we spoke. "Parents shouldn't hit their children, Jason. All they should do is love. It's against the law and against nature, you know." It took me a long time to respond. "Then…why?" Nate looked sad. "Your father was a bad man." I told him you were not. You are not, right, papa?

We talked for over two hours. It was very nice. I even told him about the knife, that was hard. I know I promised to never tell, but it was best. Please, don't be mad, papa. I tried.

I've always tried, and I think that, deep inside, you've always known that. You just never showed it. Nate said his father always told him he loved Nate, you've never done that. But I know you do. You love me, don't you, papa? Deep inside, you do.

Nate hugged me for the very first time, that night. It was nice, but when Shane woke up and walked in, he called us 'gay'. He stopped being nasty when he saw I was crying. I know crying is a sign of weakness, papa, but I couldn't stop myself. I am weak, just like you said. Nate wanted to cry, too, I felt that. But he doesn't. You see, he's not good at that, since his mama died. Cancer killed her. Just like it killed Sara, remember Sara, papa? She was the daughter of Pete, who brought the milk around. He was a nice man, I liked his smile a lot. It was a very happy smile. It reminded me of mama, she was the prettiest when she smiled, wasn't she, papa? Pete stopped smiling when Sara went. Nate doesn't smile very often.

I smile a lot, papa, Shane says I'm weird. I think I am. But I think, and please, don't get mad, you were weirder, papa. I still don't understand you, after all these years.

"How can you be so light about it?!" Shane screamed at me once, in the times he was angry a lot. I made it worse, I make everything worse. Don't I, papa? I shouldn't talk and I shouldn't have an opinion, because no one wants to hear me. I don't matter. "Why shouldn't I?" I asked him back, I didn't know why, papa, but I felt very annoyed at Shane. Because he was yelling at me, I think. He just glared at me. I got really angry, then, just like you got angry when I didn't clean the dishes fast enough and threw me against the wall until everything went black?

My anger fades fast, though. It seems yours is always there, and I still don't know what I've done wrong.

"You've really lost yourself!" Shane screamed at me in reply, and I said something that made him leave. I think it hurt him, and I punished myself later on, papa. Don't worry. "Like you lost yourself?" That's what I said. Nate told me it was a good thing to say, he said Shane did lose himself, and it was good of me to point that out. When I asked him if _I _lost myself, he didn't answer. I think Shane was right, papa. I think I _did_ lose myself, but I don't know how and when. I don't know why. Who am I, papa? Who did you make me into?

We sent Shane to Camp Rock, and he really did change. I was saddened a little by that fact, because I couldn't find myself so quickly. I saw Caitlyn again there, and all the others too. There was a new girl, though. I mentioned her earlier, she was the girl who calmed me in the limo. Mitchie is her name. Well, in real life, it's Michelle. But we call her Mitchie, she likes it that way. She has a really pretty voice, I heard her sing. We all did, at Final Jam. Final Jam is the ending performance of the camp, papa, you can shine there. If you want. She lied about her mama in the beginning, she said her mama was very important. But in reality she was just the cook of Camp Rock. She wanted to be popular, she was scared people wouldn't like her. Shane liked her, and was really sad when her lie came out. I've never seen him so sad. He tried to hide, but we all saw him. He cried, papa, and that made me feel so good and bad at the same time, that I just followed birds and stayed away from him.

I like birds, papa, everyone knows that. Well, except for you. But no one really knows the reason, only I do. You see, papa, birds are free and careless. They're pretty and unique. They make me think of mama, because she was all that. Sometimes I think that's the reason she left us, papa, because she wanted to be a bird, and fly away. I just wish she had taken me with her.

Papa, the last time I saw mama, which was two years ago, she told me about the swans.

You remember them, I know you do, but why didn't you give them to me? Mama told me she has sent me a little paper swan on my birthday every single year, for over six years. She stopped then, because I never replied to her. She said she apologized for over six years, papa. She said she was sad when I didn't reply. But, papa, you never gave me the letters, did you?

Why didn't you? Were you still angry at mama? Did you think this was a good thing to do?

You know how much I believe everything you say, papa… But you got me confused once again.

Like I said, I saw mama, two years ago. It was a one time meeting, and it wasn't planned. We were in Chicago, with the band, and I had to get some food for us. And when I was standing by the vegetables, I saw her. She looked beautiful, papa. Just like she used to look, only a little older and tanner. Her hair was as long as it was before, and do you remember the look she gave me, when I broke a dish? Well, that was the look she gave me then.

"Jason…" She mumbled at me, and I only smiled at her. You see, we didn't have a very long conversation. She looked very sad, though, when we both said goodbye. We both had to go our own way. "I'm sorry, Jason." She told me, right before we split. I wanted to tell her 'no', but she was gone, already. She keeps apologizing, papa, and I don't know what to do.

Of course I was sad when mama left us, but I forgave her for that. Maybe, maybe it's time you forgive her, too, papa.

Shane forgave Mitchie, and they're in love now. He's very happy, I'm glad, because he's not so rude anymore. Nate is very happy, too. Because he's with Cait. I'm not in love, papa.

I like Ella, I like birds, I like mama and I like you. But I don't love anything. I can't love, papa, because you never showed me how to. I asked Nate, though, and he explained to me. Caitlyn helped him, and she looked sad. I think I make her sad, like I make you angry.

I'm a bad person.

I once said that I deserved to die in a conversation. Mitchie gasped, but the rest just stared at me. They looked so…shocked, appalled. Like they didn't agree with me. Nate asked my why.

"Because I'm a bad person. I make everyone sad." I made Mitchie cry. Shane was staring at me with the saddest expression I have ever seen on him. The rest was only silent. "What did your father tell you, Jason?" Caitlyn asked me, silently. And I told everyone. I'm sorry.

I told them I was nothing, I didn't have an opinion, I should be punished when I do something bad, I'm not smart and I never will be. We ended up in a long silence. And I noticed how worried Mitchie looked at me and Shane. I was more worried about Shane, though. He looked weird. He looked so empty. He didn't say anything, no one did. "I'm sorry." I apologized, because I did something very wrong. "For what, Jas?" Nate asked me, softly. And I just shrugged and looked down. "For being such a bad person. I'm sorry."

Ella hugged me, then. And soon everyone joined in. It felt weird, but good. It felt like I belonged somewhere, papa. And even though you said I would never, I guess, papa, you were wrong.

Uncle Brown was worried about me, you know. He's not really an uncle, though. Otherwise you would've known him, but he's Shane's uncle. And Shane's family is kind of my family, too. Uncle Brown owns Camp Rock. Cesario (That's his name) called me into his office, one day, and I felt really scared. One day, the headmaster of my school asked me how I was liking it there. I didn't tell you that, papa, because I was scared you'd be angry with me. No, not scared… I just knew you would be. And I just didn't want to feel pain, I'm sorry, I'm selfish.

Brown wanted to know how I was doing, too. I guess the question was the same, but the meaning was different. You see, it felt like Brown cared. It was like I mattered.

Papa, sometimes I'm scared at night. It may sound crazy, but I'm terrified of some things, and they don't make any sense. I'm worried that I disappoint you, papa, because I think I'm not good enough for you. You know, Shane says you just wanted a reason to hit me, and that I wasn't a bad boy, at all. Is that true? I'm sad you've never really told me anything, sometimes when I'm in my bed, I wonder if you really were being a papa. Because other papas did it a whole lot different than you did. I don't really like thinking about it, though. I don't like thinking at all, actually. It seems that, whenever I do, bad thoughts enter my head. I don't like them, papa, because they hurt me. Even more than the time you burned me with your cigarette, and that really hurt. But I understand why you did it, I was a bad boy. I _am_ a bad boy.

We're going on World Tour soon, amazing, isn't it? I can't believe we started out so small. We're starting in Paris, and we're ending in Amsterdam. I'm looking forward to it, just like I do to all of our shows. You know, papa, I do that, because not only do I love our fans, I think Shane and Nate will dump me in the end. I'm not that important, after all. So I just try to enjoy everything as much as I can, before it's over for me. Nate says I'm being ridiculous, but I saw the look Shane gave me. He knows I'm right. It sounds weird, papa, I know, but I have moments I'm right. I think I got it from you.

Hey, papa, sometimes I wonder what went wrong between us. Because from what others have told me, something has gone wrong. Was it the day mama left? I didn't realize she was gone forever, you know, papa. Because I didn't know the weird man would take her away from us. I'm sorry I told you two hours later, when I got hungry. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. But papa, and I mean this, do you think you could have stopped her, if I did?

I think I wonder too much, I think because you never gave me the room to talk, I turned to wondering instead. I know I wasn't supposed to think, papa, but wondering isn't thinking, is it? Nate says I'm smart, papa, and even though you said I wasn't… I'm finding out that the more time I spend with Nate and the others, the more you slowly fade away. I used to be terrified of losing you, papa, but, and I'm sorry for saying this, I'm starting to change.

I'm learning more, papa, I'm trying to be myself again. It's very hard, because I can't remember. I can't remember who I am, papa, and that saddens me. Because the day Shane told me you brainwashed me, and the day he told me I had lost myself, I realized he was right. In the back of my mind, a voice told me he was right. And even though it took me ages to listen to that voice, I know it now. Papa, did you believe I would stay this way forever?

Did you think your words would echo in my head until I died? Papa, what made you think I was stupid? Papa.

I was in the studio with Nate and Shane today. We were just relaxing, talking.. And I had just returned to them, with my hands full off drinks and snacks. My phone rang, papa. And I told Nate to pick it up for me. "He can't come to the phone, right now. Can I take a message?" Nate told the man on the phone, and he started frowning. I saw how his smile slowly slipped off his face. And I realized, papa, I realized something. I felt it.

When Nate hung up the phone, and looked at me. His eyes were staring at me, only his eyes. And the rest fell away. I heard him say the words I was waiting for, but they didn't surprise me, like they should have. You know what he said, papa? You know what he told me?

It's actually a funny story.

Papa, he told me you were dead.

He said you killed yourself, papa. And I couldn't believe it. Because, that's a sign of weakness, isn't it? You said it was. Or were you trying to punish yourself?

Were you trying to be like me, or were you trying to forget? Papa, I wonder, did you ever regret doing this to me? You put me in this big bubble, and I don't know how to get out.

You're suffocating me, and I don't know how to breathe anymore. I can't cry anymore. I can't feel. It's like I'm role playing, I'm playing Jason… But when the play ends, I'm lost.

I'm scared, papa, because now that I know you're gone… Is there ever going to be a release for me? You will not read this letter, so I'll never get answers. You will never answer the question that has been burning for over fourteen years. 'Why are you doing this to me?'

I like you, papa, I really do. But I want to take a break. You're always there, and I want you to leave. It seems like it's gotten worse, now you're gone, for real. And even when I know you didn't mean it, what is there for me? Because when Caitlyn told me I was going to be a great father one day, I chose I would never be one. Because, papa, don't you realize I'm terrified of becoming like you? I'm terrified, because I never want to throw my child against old stairs. I don't want to cut my child, I don't want to hurt my child. Which brings me to the next question, papa. Why did you?

Did I really make you so angry? Was I really such a bad boy? Or did it just feel good to throw me from here to there. Did it feel thrilling to watch me break, to hear my left arm snap once, when you pulled too hard? Why, papa? Who are you?

I think I'm done now, papa. I've told you. And Nate was right, it did feel good.

It feels like a little bit of everything has lifted off my shoulders. You're dead, papa, and I'm sad for you. For you, not because of you. You know why? Because you are a very sad man, and I feel bad for you. Because you had to end your life, and I think, don't blame me for guessing, that the guilt and the pain was too much for you. You showed weakness, papa, and I'm proud of you. I just wish you had done it earlier.

Papa, I've been scared I would end up like you did. Dead, cold, buried. Because you gave up.

But then Nate showed me, that I'm nothing like you. And he made me see, that I'll never become like you, either. It felt good to hear that, and I'm not sure if Nate's right.. But I'll just go with that. Because Nate is smart. And papa, don't get angry, but I think I am smart, too.

Just a little bit.

Hey, papa.

It's been a long time since I've talked to you, since I've seen you. It's even been a long time since I heard someone say your name.

Shane said he hoped you were burning in hell, and looked at me for confirmation.

I shook my head at him. Because, papa, I don't hope you burn in hell. I hope you're gone.

I hope that, if there's a God, he erased you. I hope he made you start over again.

I hope that he gave you a new chance, and I hope you do it better now.

I hope you'll be the papa I never had, I really do.

I'm saying goodbye now, papa.

It's been good talking like this, because I've never had the chance to talk without your replies.

I'm glad, because I think… I think that things will work out, in the end.

Hey, papa?

It's over now, for real.

Thank you.

_Jason._

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**I showed my father this, and he got very emotional.**

**He said he was scared to end up like this, now my mother has left.**

**I just want to clear up that this story has NOTHING to do with MY father.**

**I do, however, admit, that I found it very hard to write this.**

**Especially the last two pages, I cried. (Haha)**

**Thanks for reading, everyone.**

**I appreciate it.**

**Really.**


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